


Nothing floats forever

by BabyStepsAreStillSteps



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Episode Tag, Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Castiel negative, Post-Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Protective Dean Winchester, References to Depression, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, not anti-Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2020-12-28 23:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyStepsAreStillSteps/pseuds/BabyStepsAreStillSteps
Summary: Sam tried so hard to hold everyone up in the wake of Cas’s death. He researched strip clubs for Dean in his spare time and wracked his brain to try to find something, anything, to make him smile.He tried to teach Jack about.... everything. About grief. About his powers. About humanity.But that was then, and this is now.Now Cas is back.Now Dean is happy. Now Jack is being taught, and now after weeks, Sam can finally let himself feel.





	1. The Mission

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! This takes place when they get back to the bunker after 13x05: Advanced Thanatology, after they got Cas back.
> 
> It hurt my soul that no one asked Sam if he was ok for most of the first part of the season, so I made myself a canon non-compliant bandaid. 
> 
> This is the my first piece of writing I've ever shown to anyone, (and it's unbeta’d) so if you have any constructive criticism for me, I’d love to hear it!
> 
> Warning: TW for implied depression and slight reference to suicidal thoughts.

Sam walked by Cas and Jack in the library, Jack eagerly listening to Cas tell about watching Chuck form the oceans.

Sam's heart clenched in jealousy for a moment before he reminded himself that this was good for both of them, and it was good for Jack to have a real parent... Someone who won't mess him up like Sam would.

Carrying on his way, he reminded himself of his mission. Get a glass of water, then go to bed and sleep until he felt like he could get out of bed without screaming. Or crying. Or both.

He caught sight of his brother, and stopped short in the kitchen doorway.

Dean was humming Led Zepplin's ‘Rambling on’, practically bouncing as he moved around the kitchen to cook the elaborate dinner he had planned.

His brother's joy was overwhelming. For weeks, _weeks, _Sam had been trying everything he could to bring even the smallest smile to his face, to keep him afloat, and none of it worked.

Hell, not even two days ago, Dean pulled a completely unnecessary kamikaze move at that ghost house. As if they'd never  dealt with mass hauntings before. As if there was no way to fix it other than leaving his little brother behind.

Just as Sam made up his mind to go to bed without water, Dean caught sight of him, and he had no choice but to move further into the room.

He crossed to the cabinet, Dean a constant flurry of movement around him.

"Heya, Sammy!"

Dean's cheer was almost physically painful.

‘_Dean being happy is a good thing_,’ Sam reminded himself. ‘_Don't bring him down, don't set off the big brother alarms. Complete the mission and retreat._’

He flashed Dean a tired grin. "Hey, Dean. I'm getting you an apron for your next birthday. Or one of those stupid chef hats."

"Ok, first of all, I'm hot enough that I could still get more girls than you, even in an apron," Dean retorted, "and second, shut up, or you don't get any of this masterpiece I'm making. Dude, I found this recipe online, pork tenderloin!"

Dean flapped a hand in the direction of a stained paper laying under one of the mixing bowls on the counter as he walked over to check the oven.

“It sounded weird,” he continued, "but I think it's actually gonna be really good!  


You mix brown sugar and chili powder together and about a dozen other things, and you rub it on, and at first I was like,gross, right? But the reviewers ranted and raved about it, so I figured I’d at least try it, and it's actually smelling really good, I think they might be on to something here!"

Sam sniffed the air. It did smell nice. Delicious and warm, it smelled like what he'd always imagined a home at dinnertime would smell like when he was a kid. Like what he imagined _their_ home would smell like if mom had lived, and she and dad cooked them dinners at night. 

Or maybe it would be a whole family affair, and he and Dean would be elbow deep in making the side dishes, and probably a mess as well. 

The knife in his chest gave a vicious twist.

Dean continued his excited descriptions of the menu, moving to each cook station to emphasize what he was talking about. 

“I got real cream for the mashed potatoes, and get this, apparently the way that restaurants get them so creamy is that they mix in a pack of cream cheese? Weird, right? And look what I found in the cabinet!”

Sam got a glass out of the cabinet as Dean moved on to describe the bread he had apparently made in an ancient looking bread maker he had found. 

It was good to see Dean so excited about life again, it really was. It just hurt that nothing Sam had done to cheer him up had even compared. 

His complete and utter failure to support his brother was even more evident in the light of this glowingly happy Dean.  
  


The Dean that was so happy, even though mom was trapped with Lucifer. 

The Dean who loved his life now that Cas was back, even though Sam hadn't been able to make a difference.

“We have a steamer, Sammy, a steamer! I'm steaming up some veggies since you're a health nut. I've got green beans, broccoli, and carrots. And I'm steaming them with some rosemary and roasted garlic.”

He glanced at Sam over his shoulder as he scraped the unused stems and leaves of the vegetables into the trashcan. 

“Oh, side note, did you know that the flavor of garlic totally changes when you roast it? 'Cause I didn't, I always thought saying roasted garlic was just the pretentious way of saying you added bad breath to something. Anyway, dinner will be done in twenty minutes, so be ready.”

"Oh," Sam floundered at the abrupt end of Dean's kitchen tour. He thought he'd be able to subtly slip away, but apparently not. 

“That all looks delicious, Dean, and it smells even better,” he said with a weak smile, “but I'm not feeling great, so I'm gonna turn in early tonight."

Dean's exuberance shifted into concern, and he took a step toward Sam. "You're sick, Sammy? What's wrong?"

Sam felt like a deer caught in headlights. He hadn't expected Dean to have any follow up questions. He thought he'd get a snappy comment about how he wouldn't get sick so often if he ate more meat, which he would then have to inform Dean didn't make any sense at all, and he'd be on his way.

“Uh, it's nothing terrible, I’ve just got a headache, you know? And my stomach's not quite sitting right. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.  


Make sure Jack at least _tries_ your veggies, ok? We can't have him picking up all your bad habits.”

Dean cocked his head, a slight furrow in his brow. “Don't worry about you? Sam, that's my job." 

There was a pause. 

Dean studied him intently, and Sam was about to tell him good night and then continue with the mission when he said, "Come on, stay for dinner. We need you here with us."

Sam swallowed hard. 

That put a dangerous crack in his facade, but at least it hadn't broken yet. ‘_Play it _ _off, play it off as a joke,_’ he thought desperately to himself.

Sam pulled up a grin and tried for a joking tone. "No you don't. You have Cas, and you're happier than you've been in... weeks." 

Sam's smile felt fragile, breakable, but at least it stayed in place. "I'm gonna hit the hay, but I want to try these leftovers tomorrow, so make sure you save me some, ok?"

He turned to leave, but Dean caught his arm.

"I know you're tired, but just hold up for a minute, ok? I want to talk to you about something real quick." 

Dean nudged him toward the kitchen table, and Sam reluctantly sat.

"If it's about recipe advice, you know I’m hopeless in the kitchen,” Sam muttered, looking longingly at the doorway.

Dean moved over to the stove and turned off the burners before coming back to sit across from Sam.

"Yeah, no, I know better than to ask you for recipe advice. I just, I wanted to talk to you, man. 

What's going on with you, Sammy?  You, ...you know that what you just said, you know that's not true, right? I  need you here. Jack needs you here."

Sam snorted, and he couldn’t stop his eyes from filling. He looked down at his glass of water to cover it.

"Jack doesn't need me here anymore, Dean. He found his real dad, and I just.. I just... everyone's taken care of now, and I'm so tired, De'.”

He risked a glance up at Dean's concerned gaze and quickly looked back down. He couldfeel his mask breaking and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

Dean was still waiting, he was waiting for more, and Sam didn’tknow what to tell him.

"It's just, it's been a rough couple months for me, too, you know? So I just -, I need a little time to-, I'll -, I'll bounce back soon, I will, I promise. I'm just so tired." 

Sam could feel a sob rising in his chest, and he ruthlessly shoved it back down before it could escape. 

“I just need a day or two, and then I'll be right back to looking for mom. Promise."

Dean leaned forward, ducking his head to catch Sam's gaze. "Ok, ok, Sammy."

Sam's composure almost shattered at hearing Dean's big brother voice. Dean's big brother voice _directed at him_ no less. He hadn't heard it in so long. He hadn't realized quite how much he missed it.

Soft and reassuring, it promised that Dean would protect him. That nothing could get him when his big brother was on watch.

"I know you're tired,” Dean said, “and you've been single handedly holding the rest of us up, so I think it's our turn to help you, baby brother.” 

At that declaration a tear did escape, even as he tried to swallow down the subsequent sob. He'd been waiting so long, _so long_, for an offer of help that he didn't even know what to do with it now that it was here.

Dean looked at him knowingly, and Sam was sure Dean knew exactly what he was thinking. 

He ducked his head and took a deep breath. He wasn't going to burst into tears right here at the kitchen table, he wasn't.

Dean waited a long moment before he continued, and Sam could feel him staring. 

“We're going to help, Sam, but before we get you taken care of, we need to straighten some things out. You're wrong  about a couple things there.”  


He tried to catch Sam’s eye again, but Sam focused on his water as if it held the answer to the universe.  


“Jack does need you,” Dean said. “That kid looks at you like you hung the stars. We'll get you some rest and you'll see that, but Sam...,” he trailed off. 

Dean cleared his throat and forged on. “Sammy... Mom is gone, and we need to accept that. As much as it hurts, we need to live our lives, she'd want us to be happy, Sammy."

"No," Sam objected, shaking his head with tears in his eyes. "No, because last time I tried that you were pissed at me for almost a year!" 

To Sam's horror a tear slipped down his cheek, but he couldn't stop now, "and I can't handle it if mom is, too.  


She already hardly acknowledged me, I don't want her to be mad too. I learned my lesson, Dean, I did, I promise.  


I'll keep looking until I have proof she's in heaven. It might be a death too late, but I did learn, I promise.”

Dean's patented comforting big brother look gave way to confusion. "Sammy, what?"

Why was Dean making him say this? Surely it was on Dean's mind every single day, just like Sam's. The list of all the ways Sam had let him down.  


The list went through Sam's head at least once a day, if  not more. He had to remember, he had to make sure he never did it again. 

He took a deep breath and forced the words out.

"When you were in Purgatory? And I thought you were dead and in Heaven? And, and I didn't want to rip you away from Heaven, the righteous man gets a ticket straight upstairs, the angels promised you'd be in heaven when you died. But you weren't, you weren't in Heaven with mom and dad and Cas and  Bobby, you were in Purgatory, and I left you there. I was so sure -"

Sam broke off, shaking his head, trying to push the tears down for long enough to finish. 

“I was so stupid, I thought, I thought you talked the angels into letting you send me a sign. I mean, how else would Riot have gotten there? Flat plains on either side, and all of a sudden there's a dog in the road? When I was on my way to -. It was dumb, I was an idiot, I should have known.” 

He shook his head again, and wondered how he could have ever been so stupid. 

“I told myself, every morning, hell, every second, I had to tell myself that you would want me to be happy just so I could do something instead of laying down and never getting up again. I told myself  that over and over and over, and I was wrong. I should have been looking for you."

Sam finally looked up and gave Dean an earnest, pleading look. "I learned, Dean, I did. I won't give up on anyone until I know they're in heaven. I promise I won't, I just need a day or two, I'm just so -, I'm so tired, De'.”

His voice broke on his brother’s name. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears. It only fanned them on, and suddenly he was silently sobbing at the kitchen table.

Dean got up and moved around the table to pull him into a hug so that his face was buried in Dean's stomach as his arms came up to hold tight to Dean's back. One of Dean's hands carded through his hair while the other rubbed his shoulders, rocking them slightly. 

Sam appreciated the height difference, it made him think back to when he really was that much shorter than Dean. Back to the days when he truly believed there was no problem Dean couldn't solve.

As he sobbed into Dean's stomach, Sam thought that maybe he still believed that his big brother could fix anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I’m almost done with chapter two, so I’m hoping to get that out relatively soon. 
> 
> I mentioned this up top, but this is the first thing I’ve ever written, so I’d love to hear your constructive comments :)


	2. Mission... accomplished?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Thank you to the wonderful and incredible commenter, Purpleskiesofdragons, who asked me if Dean’s cooking tips/recipes were real. They are! If you’re looking for new recipes to try, I typed up the recipes I was basing them off of here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1F8iUgVOGIDIoZJZNH_C1tMfg1xc5acJV ! 
> 
> The roasted garlic instructions are in the mashed califlower one, step four. 
> 
> The pork tenderloin is labeled PorkTenderloin as the name of the document. 
> 
> The veggies don’t have a recipe, but if you have a steamer, put some veggies in (my go to is a green bean/broccoli/carrot mix) then start then steaming while you roast the garlic. (It doesn’t take long).  
How long you roast it affects flavor/texture, so roast it to how you like it, dice it into tiny pieces either before or after you roast it (note: dicing before will affect roast time.)  
Stop your steamer and wait for it to stop steaming completely, please don’t get steam burns. [NOTE: STEAM CAN BURN YOU MUCH WORSE THAN HOT WATER! Water can only get so hot before it evaporates, steam can scorch your face off. Please proceed with caution.]  
Open your steamer, evenly distribute your garlic dices and throw a few sprigs of rosemary in. (The amount of rosemary you put in is just determined by how strong you want it to be. I grow rosemary on my kitchen windowsill, so I usually just grab three or four sprigs, separate off the ‘needles’ and spread them evenly around, but I’m sure that dried Rosemary you buy from a grocery store would be just as good!)  
Then you just turn the steamer back on, and steam to the crispness you prefer! 
> 
> There’s two of every file because one of the file types wasn’t opening right on my phone, so between both file types it should (hopefully) open on both phones and computers. Let me know if you can’t get to it, I might have set the permissions wrong. I apologize if the formatting is odd, I threw them together pretty quickly.
> 
> I hope you like them! 😁

Dean ushered a still silently crying Sam to his room and tucked him into his bed, throwing an extra comforter over him for good measure.

Then, with a few parting words, his big brother left, and Sam could feel the gaping absence return as he huddled under the blankets.

Ten minutes later, the door opened and Dean walked back into Sam's room.

Sam looked over his shoulder, surprised to see Dean back so soon. When Dean had squeezed his shoulder and murmured that he'd be back, Sam was expecting a quick check in before Dean went to bed for the night in a few hours.

Instead, here was his big brother, back after barely ten minutes, holding a plate of food and a beer.

Dean nudged the door shut with his foot, then sat on the bed as if this had been the plan the whole time.

Maybe it had been, Sam mused to himself as he re-situated, moving so that Dean's leg pressed along his back.

He sunk into his pillow with a relaxing sigh, inexpressibly grateful that his brother had come back. He practically purred when Dean dropped the hand closest to him to his hair, soothingly playing with it.

Sam could hear the soft chink of the fork Dean was using, and he let it lull him closer to his first restful sleep in weeks.

It was too good to last, though, and he knew it. Sam's stomach clenched when he heard Dean set his fork down and drink the last of his beer. He shouldn't complain that Dean was going to leave, it would be selfish to ask him to stay.

But it had helped, having Dean there. The human contact. The big brother contact. The band constricting Sam's chest had been steadily loosening as Dean sat with him, and it hurt to know it was going to be back to the tight, suffocating pressure as soon as Dean walked out that door.

But Sam couldn't ask him to stay. Dean had already had a chick flick moment for him. Dean had already missed the big feast he'd been planning. He had other things to do with his evening. A newly resurrected friend to catch up with.

Dean set his plate down on the bedside table, and Sam prepared himself for the loss he'd feel when Dean got up.

But Dean didn't get up. Sam heard him pick something up, and he shifted around for several seconds, but he didn't stand and leave. His hand even found its way back to Sam's hair.

After several long seconds in which Dean still hadn't left, Sam looked back over his shoulder.

Dean felt his movement and turned away from the iPad he was holding to look at Sam.

Sam didn't even know what question he wanted to ask. What are you doing? Are you ok with this? Are you going to stay?

Luckily he didn't need to ask. Dean's hand resumed its motion, and his other hand tipped up to show Sam the iPad he was holding before he settled it back on his lap.

The movement shifted it enough that Sam noticed a headphone cord that snaked its way up to an earbud in Dean's far ear.

"The last season of Game of Thrones starts next month," Dean said quietly, "I’m gonna prepare myself by starting over at the beginning and watching all of them so I can remember everything that's happened.

I think I can get though at least season one tonight, but if I watch it out there... well, I might not be a parent, but I don't really think this is the show Jack should be learning about humanity from.”

He quirked a smile down at his little brother.

“That and Cas will ask me questions every other second about why they're doing things. Can I hide out in here and watch it?"

Sam pressed his lips together, his eyes flooding with tears for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. He gave a tight nod, and a wet smile.

Dean smiled back, gently pushing him back onto the pillow. "Good, thanks, Sammy. Now, go to sleep, baby brother.”

Sam pressed back against Dean, as close as he could get without being in his lap, and closed his eyes again, appreciating the feel of Dean's hand softly playing with his hair.

As he drifted off to sleep, he finally felt a spark of hope. With his big brother by his side, maybe they could find a way for him to be ok again after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos! I hope you enjoyed part two, my first fanfic is officially complete. Thanks for reading everyone!


End file.
